I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
