I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
