Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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