God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
