Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
