Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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