did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
a search helicopter?!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
