i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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