Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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