I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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