youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
