So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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