So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
