Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
