I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
