I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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