he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
