I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
