my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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