she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
