i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I will be naked everywhere
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
