The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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