thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
