ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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