Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
