Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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