I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
