his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
