i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
