It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
