Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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