My balls are so social today.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
