my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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