Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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