Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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