Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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