if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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