I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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