my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
