I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
