I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
