chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
