Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
