im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
