Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
