i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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