I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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