If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
