Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
