On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
