watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
